Oh Pinterest. You magnificent bastard.
First we have a Picture of a Hot Person Intended for Workout Motivation.
Ooookaaaaaay... That lady has a nice body and everything but I don't know that standing around in my underpants in order to have my torso photographed and then photoshopped will ever make my bucket list so this isn't super applicable to my life. Plus I'm 99% sure this pin links back to some weird spammy fad diet site so re-pinning this onto "Health" would be like pinning an email from a Nigerian prince onto "Financial Planning."
Moving on... Oh look! Incredibly Elaborate DIY Nails!
This looks cool in a fashions seen at the Dallas Fort Worth Airport kind of way, I guess. But holy hell I can't even write legibly with my left hand let alone bedazzle the Sistine Chapel onto my nails. My lifestyle choices demand that I, you know, touch things so I don't feel like this is a viable option...
So... what's next? An Overachieving School Lunch.
See, when I pack a lunch for my kid my thought process is, "I still need to pack her a lunch. What do we have?" and then I throw a Klean kanteen full of water, an apple, some cut up cheese, and some Wasa crisp bread into a lunch box. When my kid gets to kindergarten am I going to find myself in a situation where highly detailed, theme conscious lunch preparation is a thing on par with wedding planning?
And speaking of Obsessive Wedding Planning.
Why haven't all the highly stylized PB&J makers and the wedding planners gotten together and hyper focused their incredible knack for detail orientation onto something like world peace or a cure for cancer?
You've got a lot to answer for, Pinterest.
And while we're on the subject of things that are all your fault: MASON JARS FOR ALL THE THINGS!
I have a BB gun, Mason Jars! BACK. AWAY.
Oh. I'm breaking out the caps lock because this is serious business now. Look! EVERYTHING IMAGINABLE CAN BE COOKED IN A CROCK POT FOR NO REASON.
Unnecesary crock potting is like the planking or extreme ironing of Pinterest. I get that you *can* make crock pot sandwiches complete with bread and a crock pot version of Wolfgang Puck's award winning sea urchin and salmon roe dish. But this begs the question: why on earth would you do that? You don't get bonus points, it takes forever, and have you ever washed a crockpot? It's really annoying. As is your obsession with your crockpot, Pinterest.
Oh good, someone has made a T-SHIRT INTO CINDERELLA'S BALL GOWN or some other fucking thing using only scissors, a hot glue gun, and smugness. On one level, way to repurpose your stuff and be creative. On another level, fuck you.
And look A QUOTE THAT PEOPLE FIND INSPIRING AND MAKES ME ROLL MY EYES SO HARD THEY LEAP OUT OF MY HEAD. Do you also find cliches superimposed over topless images of Channing Tatum to be 'like, SUPER true' and right up there with the recent pearl of wisdom that blew you away on "The Bachelor?" Was your life changed courtesy of insights from Snooki's novel? Are you the reason "Two and Half Men" and multi-million dollar "Twilight" fan fiction are both real things?
Oh, Pinterest. I've raised my voice in anger at you and that was wrong of me. Because as many of your inexplicably popular pins say, "I just can't quit you" or, more accurately in my case, "You had me at Nutella."