 |
Oh Pinterest. You magnificent bastard. source |
Here goes!
First we have a Picture of a Hot Person Intended for Workout Motivation.
Ooookaaaaaay... That lady has a nice body and everything but I don't know that standing around in my underpants in order to have my torso photographed and then photoshopped will ever make my bucket list so this isn't super applicable to my life. Plus I'm 99% sure this pin links back to some weird spammy fad diet site so re-pinning this onto "Health" would be like pinning an email from a Nigerian prince onto "Financial Planning."
Moving on... Oh look! Incredibly Elaborate DIY Nails!
This looks cool in a fashions seen at the Dallas Fort Worth Airport kind of way, I guess. But holy hell I can't even write legibly with my left hand let alone bedazzle the Sistine Chapel onto my nails. My lifestyle choices demand that I, you know, touch things so I don't feel like this is a viable option...
So... what's next? An Overachieving School Lunch.
See, when I pack a lunch for my kid my thought process is, "I still need to pack her a lunch. What do we have?" and then I throw a Klean kanteen full of water, an apple, some cut up cheese, and some Wasa crisp bread into a lunch box. When my kid gets to kindergarten am I going to find myself in a situation where highly detailed, theme conscious lunch preparation is a thing on par with wedding planning?
And speaking of Obsessive Wedding Planning.
Why haven't all the highly stylized PB&J makers and the wedding planners gotten together and hyper focused their incredible knack for detail orientation onto something like world peace or a cure for cancer?
You've got a lot to answer for, Pinterest.
And while we're on the subject of things that are all your fault: MASON JARS FOR ALL THE THINGS!
I have a BB gun, Mason Jars! BACK. AWAY.
Oh. I'm breaking out the caps lock because this is serious business now. Look! EVERYTHING IMAGINABLE CAN BE COOKED IN A CROCK POT FOR NO REASON.
Unnecesary crock potting is like the planking or extreme ironing of Pinterest. I get that you *can* make crock pot sandwiches complete with bread and a crock pot version of Wolfgang Puck's award winning sea urchin and salmon roe dish. But this begs the question: why on earth would you do that? You don't get bonus points, it takes forever, and have you ever washed a crockpot? It's really annoying. As is your obsession with your crockpot, Pinterest.
Oh good, someone has made a T-SHIRT INTO CINDERELLA'S BALL GOWN or some other fucking thing using only scissors, a hot glue gun, and smugness. On one level, way to repurpose your stuff and be creative. On another level, fuck you.
And look A QUOTE THAT PEOPLE FIND INSPIRING AND MAKES ME ROLL MY EYES SO HARD THEY LEAP OUT OF MY HEAD. Do you also find cliches superimposed over topless images of Channing Tatum to be 'like, SUPER true' and right up there with the recent pearl of wisdom that blew you away on "The Bachelor?" Was your life changed courtesy of insights from Snooki's novel? Are you the reason "Two and Half Men" and multi-million dollar "Twilight" fan fiction are both real things?
Oh, Pinterest. I've raised my voice in anger at you and that was wrong of me. Because as many of your inexplicably popular pins say, "I just can't quit you" or, more accurately in my case, "You had me at Nutella."
______________________
You're funny when you're healthy but you're even funnier when you're sick, apparently. I loved this, and reading it was the perfect start to my weekend of un-done nails and slapped-together lunches. Get better!
ReplyDeleteI get ranty when I'm all cooped up with time on my hands, I guess. <3.
DeleteHa! I have a pinterest account but have never really gained traction there. I just can't seem to make time to get into it. Now I have more reasons not too! So funny! Feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteI love Pinterest for home design and fashion stuff but it can be a huge time suck so maybe it's good that you're not too into it...
DeleteOh my gosh, yes. I love this! And you are so right about all this. Now is that awkward time where I share a link with you that I wrote about this very thing--but I like your explanations better. Mine was just slapping up some things about Pinterest. Some of the same very things, actually. I love the prettiness of pinterest, but it's also fun to make fun of... :) http://www.stillhatepickles.com/2012/10/if-real-life-were-like-pinterest.html
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link! I'll have to check that out!
DeleteI will never get why people put everything in the crockpot. It's good for certain things. It does not replace a stove or oven on the daily. Get a grip, people.
ReplyDeleteI adore pinterest but good christ there are some fool things on there.
Yes. I love Pinterest too but I've got to poke a little fun out of love because some of the stuff on there just makes it soooooo easy to...
DeleteI was a teacher and I have four kids in middle school, and not once in their entire upbringing have I ever seen a lunch that wasn't just thrown together. The most I've seen is a note now and again.
ReplyDeleteCrock pots...very helpful for certain things. Not breakfast foods. Not meat that costs over $3 per pound.
I so enjoyed this, despite the fact that I've never even logged on to Pinterest.
Hope you feel better soon.
That's very reassuring to hear about the lunches. A note a could manage. A Valentine's Day lunch made entirely out of heart shaped foods? Not so much.
DeleteBrilliant rant! I actually laughed out loud a couple times, like on this line --> "On one level, way to repurpose your stuff and be creative. On another level, fuck you." That was hilarious genius. . . I may have to visit Pinterest more often now to be more in the loop w/ the ridiculousness. . .
ReplyDeleteGlad I could give you a laugh! :)
DeleteI love Pinterest as a time suck - but anything I have tried to create looks like ass. Which is not my goal...typically. And, why would people need a pattern to make an old tshirt into a workout shirt? Isn't it already?
ReplyDeleteTracy @ Momaical
I'm not really a crafter or a sewer so I stay away from the "make a wonderful dress / wreath / ecofriendly toy out of burlap and your own tears" type pins. I'm absolutely sure they would turn out looking like ass if I tried my hand at them.
DeleteThis is too funny. Starting with the Overachieving School Lunch you had my head bobbing up and down in agreement till the Cinderella dress making. I was so hoping that you would include some rant about a Valentine craft. That's on my to-do list. Hop on Pinterest and find one for my son's second grade class. Why oh why do I say I'll do these things??? Talk about a rant on myself. Thanks for laugh Larks.
ReplyDeleteOoooh! A Valentine's day craft rant would have been a good idea! I didn't even think of that but I should have because I need to come up with some kind of Valentine's Day craft too. Why *do* we do that to ourselves? I found a pin about attaching superhero capes to lollipops so maybe I'll do that. I don't think Pinterest is all bad. I kid because I love.
DeleteYour "on one level" and "on another level" was so funny. You totally had me thinking you were going to give them some compliments. Pinterest can make me feel inadequate about just about everything. And have you noticed how there are waves of things that are everywhere--kombucha, then kale, then salted caramel? Mmm, I do love salted caramel, so that's OK actually.
ReplyDeleteYes! The waves! Kombucha, kale, salted carmamel, everything in cupcake form, chia seeds, bacon. Though I have to say I hear you on the caramel and can't hate on the bacon either.
DeleteYou should see my Pinterest boards. My latest Pinterest obsessions are ghastly looking mid-20th Century cuisine and things that just make you say WTF? I generally skip all that other stuff.
ReplyDeleteNow, I do have a crock pot and it is useful, but I haven't used recipes I found on Pinterest because most of them require canned soup and I refuse to to use cream of whatever soup in a can because it just makes everything nasty and gloppy
The one thing I see pinned that seriously irritates me is the "how to make boxed cake mix taste like from scratch" pins. You know how much more effort it takes to make a cake from scratch?
Probably a grand total of five minutes. So just take the extra five minutes and measure out the extra stuff and skip the box mix.
--Kathy
I hear you on the cake mix and the canned soup. And now I totally have to follow you on Pinterest to see the horrifying food...
DeleteMost of these go on my "No Way!" board.
ReplyDeleteA "No way" board is a great idea!
DeleteYou've said everything I'm thinking...
ReplyDeleteGreat minds think alike!
DeleteI love this. I hate Pinterest. I know if I signed up for an account that it would turn into an online place for me to hoard ideas I'd never actually use.
ReplyDeleteI've got this love hate thing going on with Pinterest. It's got some really lovely things and it's so pretty but then there's the time suck factor and all the SERIOUSLY?! type stuff. Idea hoarding is a great phrase. It's totally that. Hoarding rather than necessariy doing.
DeleteHeh. My 18-year-old cousin uses it as a place to post wedding ideas, which she then posts to FB for all, including her boyfriend to see. lol -- they aren't even engaged!
DeleteThe time suck factor is also a huge reason I haven't signed up.
Finally. Someone understands that crockpot is a verb.
ReplyDeleteIt's SO a verb.
DeleteHahaha! So great! I have a Pinterest account and I use it...sort of. Honestly, it's mostly for everyone else who loves Pinterest!
ReplyDeleteI also have a Pinterest account and definitely get it's appeal but sometimes I'm just like come ON! Really, Pinterest? Hence this post...
DeleteI still don't fully understand what a bento lunch is. It appears to be a way of making your kid's lunch look like a commercial every day. Who has this kind of time and why they think it's important is beyond me. I'm not trying to be rude; I really don't get it.
ReplyDeleteA lot of the things I see on Pinterest seem rather unattractive to me (same goes for etsy). I'm obviously not in the target market.
That's the thing with the highly stylized Bento lunch: why? My kid isn't appreciating the "Martha Stewart"-ness and presumably neither are her friends who are the only other people who really see the lunch so the question then becomes: if you overachieve on a bento lunch but nobody notices, have you overachieved at all? #DeepThoughts
DeleteUm, yeah. Pinterest makes me ranty too. It's like, yes, I know you can find one million and five creative household uses for an empty toilet paper roll, but I have enough trouble just getting said toilet paper roll into the garbage can, so I will certainly not be covering it with wrapping paper and making a neat little holder for my assorted chargers.
ReplyDeleteMy only exception is the crock pot recipes. Since I am basically out of my house from 7:30am-7:30pm every weekday, I love a good crock pot recipe. Cleaning tip? Spray the entire inside of the pot with cooking spray before you add any ingredients. It makes cleaning a breeze. And I didn't learn that on Pinterest :)
That's a good cleaning tip! Thanks! I love the crock pot too but for crock pot-ish things, if you know what I mean. Pot roasts and stews and the like. Not stir fries and brownies.
DeleteYes, yes, yes. I loved this. I have my own "Fuck you Pinterest" post after I made slow cooker meatloaf I saw on there. Really, really, god awful idea. You are hilarious. I loved this line: re-pinning this onto "Health" would be like pinning an email from a Nigerian prince onto "Financial Planning." Great comparison! You're wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the compliment! <3 you too!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete