You know those moments where you hear the right thing at the right time and you're just like, "YES! I needed to hear that today?" They have a markedly less attractive sibling: moments where you hear perfectly reasonable, well intentioned information at emphatically not the right time.
Suppose you've had an awful day so you treat yourself to pizza, beer, and trashy TV. And it's not just the "Hey, it's Friday, so why not?" kind of treating yourself. You NEED this slothful evening like you need oxygen because it hasn't just been a day. It's been a DAY. And just as the pizza delivery guy knocks at the door a friend calls up and goes on about how modern television consumption is intellectual death but, hey, maybe that's not such a big deal because what do the finer points of critical reasoning matter when we're a nation of heart diseased diabetics with beer guts.
Is your friend right? Sure. Eating junk food while sitting on your butt guzzling booze is not a healthy choice. But even though you know that you still think, "Eff you for hating on my "Scandal" and IPA, much cherished friend. EFF. YOU."
You know you shouldn't be mad that someone is spewing sense much less be mad at the sense they're spewing itself but you feel stabby anyway.
That's me today with parenting tips.
After having a DAY I attended a parent meeting that centered around John Gottman's "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child."
Here are Gottman's five elements of emotion coaching interspersed with examples from my day:
1. Be aware of your child's emotions.
Child: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Mooooooooooooooooooooooom! WAAAAAAAH!
Me: Okay. So: check. I'm aware that you're upset. To be fair, I was aware 34209 WAAAAH's ago but still. Go me!
2. Recognize emotional expression is an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
Me: I see that you're upset. I'm sorry you're feeling like that. Would you like to tell me what's up?
Child: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! My friend says her cat says that I can't have my favorite color be pink any more and I want ketchup on everything! You don't seem 100% focused on this while you're merging into rush hour traffic. Worst mom ever! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Okay, so... this is an opportunity for learning. Let's take a deep breath and...
Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
3. Listen empathetically and validate your child's feelings.
Child: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: ::: series of sage nods accompanied by concerned frowns and supportive noises :::
Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
4. Label emotions in words your child can understand.
Child: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Okay. So, again, I hear that you're upset.
Child: OF COURSE I'm upset, Mama! I'm frustrated. Annoyed. ::: stamps foot, pouts ::: I. feel. very. ANGRY. FURIOUS.
Me: Allow me to compliment you on your vocabulary.
Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
5. Help child come up with a way to solve the problem or deal with an upsetting situation or issue.
Child: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Let's brain storm a solution: maybe your friend's cat doesn't actually have influence over your favorite color and you can have ketchup on some things but not everything.
Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Oh my God. Seriously, kid? Mommy is getting a migraine. Work with me here.
Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
*****
Dr. Gottman and disciples, I get it. Really I do. And I applaud you for your wisdom and common sense. But you know what? Today you need to keep a wide berth because I'm gonna go ahead and skip enlightened emotion coaching in favor of, "Hey! I've got an idea. Why don't you play on the i-Pad until your father gets home?"
Those are the days nap-time/bed-time can't come soon enough.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair to your daughter though - sometimes I want to be the one WAAHing all day.
Hey, you tried all of the steps, and when they didn't work, then you went to the iPad. I imagine a lot of other parents would have gone straight to the iPad.
ReplyDeleteI saw on Twitter that you'd asked how our Mondays went. For various reasons, I didn't reply there but now that I've read your post, I just can't even tell you how much I relate. My Monday, started off with a pap smear, then a blood test by an incompetent phlebotomoist, to be followed up by a phone call from my 7 year olds school calling for me to come pick him up. He'd eaten their school lunch and was now complaining of chest pains and his coloring had gone funny. We have a tragic history of mystery illness and allergies with him, which we'd hoped we'd left behind by leaving the Seattle area. It seems not though. I have sat through my son vomiting, both types of incontinence, headaches, dermatitis popping up on his hands, shaking, all over pain, and lots of crying. The doctors have no answers and no suggestions. And none of it stopped because it was night time. I'm exhausted and honestly, I'm just about as freaked out as he is but I can't show it because that will upset him even more. Enlightened emotion coaching...yeah, I'm going to say cartoons and video games are alright right now and not worry about making him a more emotionally enlightened person. Considering everything, he's not handling this that badly.
ReplyDeleteUgh sometimes all that "emotional coaching" makes me crazy. My parents didn't emotional coach me or either of my sisters, and we turned out pretty well. And I fully support pizza, beer and trashy TV. As a matter of fact, I did exactly that last night, and it was glorious.
ReplyDeleteOh yes. Sometimes I'm not up for all the being present and teachable moments. Sometimes we are all just raging assholes over here.
ReplyDeleteI am fully in support of beer, trashy tv, and pizza. I'd even throw in a little chocolate. That's emotional coaching for grown ups :)
ReplyDelete