Going dark.

Sometimes every aspect of life can make you feel like getting you’re getting flipped off in traffic. Which isn't to say ZOMG ANGST! ALL IS ANGST! But hear me out:

 

I’m struggling right now. Not the kind of Struggling that deserves a capital “S” because it is a transformative milestone which will make for an epic biopic.

 

It just feels I’m wrapped up in cotton wool and more prone towards irritation than joy. When it comes to most activities right now I’d rather be napping.

I’ve been thinking about whether to talk about feeling depressed on the internet because it’s the internet and therefore inevitably people will make more or less of this than I feel it warrants. But I had this conversation today that tipped me over to the "speaking up" side.

 

My friend has this saying: when you think you’re about to go dark make believe you’re on “Who Wants to a Millionaire?” You’re already depressively inclined so pretending you’re on a terrible game show won’t push you over the edge:

 

First, 50/50. Is more of your day to day life hard to cope with than not? Then phone your friends. What is the audience’s response? If most of them are like, “Um… Wow. You’re going dark…” then unleash your safety nets. Exercise more. Drink less. Eat better. Reach out to the people who make you a better you. Step away from trigger situations.

 

Get all your ducks in a row and focus on getting through to the other side.

 

Because the other side is awesome. The other side is that day you wake up after having a cold for a week. All of a sudden food tastes good! Moving doesn’t hurt! And you can breathe THROUGH YOUR NOSE! The world is a fantastic wonderland full of possibilities like running and smiling and talking to other people without fearing they will give you the side eye for coughing on them!

 

Only here’s where depression isn’t like a cold: People don’t judge you when you need Kleenex. With depression it’s less, “Tissue, hon?” and more, “Suck it up! It’s not just about you! SEE THE JOY! STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA!”

 

Depression is hard to talk about because it can be weaponized.

 

Everything you say or do is “well, okay, but she’s got mental health issues so…” And then: BOOM. Good bye you as person who can be taken seriously and hello you as a potential charity project, pet worry, and otherwise conveniently dismissed individual.

 

Here’s the thing of it though: I’m in this weirdly fortunate position. I’ve got a support system and I’ve been able to meet all of my obligations and fulfill all of my responsibilities despite the dark. Objectively pretty much nothing about my life has changed.

 

But in reality for the past few months I’ve felt unpleasantly off kilter. Like how you feel when someone hurls an insult at you that really sticks. You know it’s not a big deal and wrong on some levels. But you’re left with that vaguely down trodden feeling and for the next little while you’re like, “Come on! Bounce back! Shake it off!” and then you’re so tired. That’s the vast majority of my life right now.

 

I’m okay. But it’s more of a fight than I realize objectively it should be.

 

There’s no way I’m the only person who feels like this right now.

 

There are Struggles and struggles. Life can be awesome but also kind of a jerk. So I suppose in a round about way this post is just a plea for kindness to your fellow human beings. Not me in particular. Just people.

Because honestly I think I'll go the "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" route and be just fine. But still. This is one of those humanity things where if you're busy talking about your life on the internet anyway you may as well acknowledge that this is a part of life too.

 

I would like to have something upbeat and summative to say here. But that’s the thing about depression: Sorry. These kinds of things don’t work like that.

 

But it’s okay.  If you’re not happy then it’s not the end.