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| Oscar knows best. Photo credit. |
“The truth is rarely pure and never
simple.” – Oscar Wilde
I’m pretty good at being consistent with my kid. Except for when I’m not which, when I really think about it, is a lot of the time. Case in point:
“Mommy! Jack says he won’t play with me any more!”
“That’s a bummer. What happened right before Jack said he wouldn’t play with you any more?”
“Um, Let’s not focus on that right now…”
“Okay, baby. Come here. Look at me. It’s important that we tell the truth. We need all the information so we can problem solve this situation. What happened right before Jack didn’t want to play with you?”
“I pushed him.”
“That’s not what we do, baby. Go apologize to Jack right now. We don’t push. And we tell the truth.”
I must have done a good Wrath of God face because my four year old runs back towards the playground. “JAAAACCCCK! I’m not going to push! And I’m gonna tell the truth!”
I cross my fingers and attempt to rejoin the conversation with a knot of summer camp parents. The topic has shifted from birthday party venues to booty boot camp.
“Seriously, it’s amazing,” says the svelte, intense woman to my left. “I get up at 5.30a every weekday, do the class for 90 minutes, come home and shower, and I have so much energy!”
She’s greeted by a chorus of, “Wow! That sounds fantastic! You look great!” “That’s the one where they have garbage bins out in case you vomit, right? I’ve always wanted to try that!” “Does the gym have childcare?” “We should all go together!” And people actually start to make plans.
“What about you? What do you think?” They all look at me. My stoney silence has apparently failed to act as a cloaking device. I swear there’s a friend of a friend to my right eyeing my waistline to see if I’ve selected an A-line dress to hide a muffin top. Which I have. But still. Rude.
Obviously, like the rest of the planet, I understand that exercise is good for you which is why I begrudgingly engage in 30 minutes of it, 4 times a week and occasionally take up running in the laziest possible fashion. I get that that’s more like a half-assed effort not to become like the hover chair Big Gulp people in Wall-E than it is fully embracing the possibilities for awesomeness inherent in the human body. But, honestly, this is my relationship with exercise right now and I’m okay with that. The fact that no vomit is involved is just a bonus. But I don't want to get into that with them.
“I’m a night owl.” This is true. So I’m not technically lying. Though I am sidestepping the crux of the issue.
“Oh come on, it would be good for you!”
“I’m sure it would.” My daughter and the rest of the kids are standing next to us now, demanding snack.
“And actually I think they do have a later class. Like at 7p, maybe?”
Dammit. Really? “Oh. Ok.”
“Maybe we can get a whole group together to check out the evening class. That could be fun, right?”
“Maybe.” NO.
“I’ll email you.”
“Great.” Look, lady. I appreciate you being friendly but I feel the same way about my gym rat friends' devotion to physical fitness as I do about my nerdy friends' devotion to going to Comic Con in costume. I'm really happy this brings you so much joy and I'm impressed by your dedication. But I'm good over here on my couch watching Dr. Who on iTunes. No, I will not be going to booty boot camp. Stop pushing this.
My daughter chooses this moment to pipe up, “I apologized to Jack. And I told the truth. Because that’s what we do.”
“That’s great, baby. I’m proud of you.”
“Are you gonna go exercise with my camp friends’ parents?”
“I might.” No.
“Are you sure?”
“Maybe.” Hell, yes, I’m sure: I will definitely not be going to booty boot camp.
We say our good-byes and ‘I’ll e-mail you!’s and head towards the car. “We always tell the truth, right Mommy?”
“Right. When you get a little older I’ll tell you about Oscar Wilde.”
_____________________
And speaking of truthiness, names and details in this story have been changed to protect the innocent and avoid the wrath that often comes part and parcel with scrupulously honest sharing of personal stories on the interwebs.
This was so fun! I loved the stoney silence as a (failed) cloaking device. Sometimes a little white one is ok ;)
ReplyDeleteA little white lie can be okay but they snowball so quickly. I wish I had just said, "No, thanks. When I run a 5k I spend the whole time actively questioning why I'm doing this while trying not to die. A class that makes you workout so hard you vomit and then expects you to come back is not a good fit for me." Or, you know, something like that but edited to achieve a friendlier, more supportive tone.
DeleteI'm not an exercisy type person. I'm an eat minimally so I'm not obese while spending most evenings propped up on my couch, kinda person. I feel you on this one. LOL.
ReplyDeleteAh! ::: gets far off, whimsical look ::: If only I could achieve this "eating minimally" of which you speak...
DeleteI love the double standards we find ourselves in as parents. We tried, right? We tried. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe whole double standard thing really is eye opening. And, you're right: I tried... kinda...
Delete"But, honestly, this is my relationship with exercise right now and I’m okay with that. The fact that no vomit is involved is just a bonus."
ReplyDeleteI love this. Good for you!
Also: could you use a name/url comment option. I don't use my LJ account anymore, but it's the only one I had from the list.
http://truthfully.ca
Thanks!
DeleteAnd thanks for your feedback on the comment thing. I'm in the middle of navigating a move over to WordPress so I've been telling myself that it's okay not to continue to be computer-stupid about stuff on Blogger but it's taking me for.EVER. to actually make the switch so maybe I should just bite the bullet and make the Blogger comments more user friendly.
I'm grateful any time anyone comments. The least I can do is make the experience as pleasant as possible for them.
When you're dodging vomit-inducing exercise perhaps the truth can be a little more flexible, no? Ellen
ReplyDeletePerhaps. You are very wise. And extremely sensible. ;-)
DeleteHahhaha I HATE being pushed into that. The women in my office started going to a zumba class at lunch once a week. No, i dont wanna get sweaty during the work day. No, i don't want to dance with my coworkers. Bah. Leave me alone. (I said "maybe" too to get them to stop hassling me).
ReplyDeleteYeah, exercising mid day is killer. Exercise must always occur at a logical pre-shower time.
DeleteExercise pushers are no better than drug pushers, in my opinion. I'm with you, no boot camp!!!
ReplyDeleteYES! Just say "NO!" And, follow up, I'm very happy for you and impressed by your achievement but, no, I do not want a blow-by-blow 20 minute account of every mile of your marathon and/or triathalon.
DeleteHell no! I would not do a booty boot camp at 5:30 a.m. That's my time to dream about being svelte. :-) Those people BUG me!
ReplyDeleteXO,
Pippi
Amen, I do not *anything* at 5.30a whether I'm awake or asleep so I might as well use the time to sleep. Sleep is healthy too, right?
DeleteLove how you brought it all back around to the parenting lesson. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I am attempting to improve on the whole "beginning, middle, and end" thing I've heard so much about.
DeleteI hear you on the not exercising bit. Loved the dichotomy between advising your children to always tell the truth even though we all know we don't always follow our own advice.
ReplyDeleteGood to know I'm not the only indifferent exerciser out there.
DeleteThe "do as I say, not as I do" thing is so tricky. Could I have been honest? Yes. Should I? I don't know. Am I likely to tell white lies in order to avoid conflict in casual conversation in the future? Yes.
A gem, this one is a gem. "I swear there’s a friend of a friend to my right eyeing my waistline to see if I’ve selected an A-line dress to hide a muffin top. Which I have. But still. Rude." Great writing and message. I like to vomit when I exercise b/c I am intense and insane, but I would never EVER invite innocent people to do it with me. What's wrong with these people?
ReplyDeleteSee, that's the thing: the peer pressure. It's not like I have a problem with super-intense vomit inducing exercise or the people who do it. I also don't have a problem with Star Trek conventions or Accordion Festivals or the people who do them. *I* just don't want to do those things. But everyone who does can keep on getting down with their bad selves.
DeleteLark,
ReplyDeleteThis is how I feel about my friends pressing me to golf. I finally said, "No! I don't like it" I was a bit firm but they leave me alone now. I'm an exercise freak but I never push anyone unless they ask me to do so because I HATE being pushed into anything! 30 minutes 4X a week is great because hats what you feel like doing. Great post...love dry humor!
Totally! It's the pushing that's the issue, not the sport or activity. It's really difficult to kindly, gracefully, and honestly tell someone to stop bugging you to love doing something you don't.
DeleteLove it. Especially..."Look, lady. I appreciate you being friendly but I feel the same way about my gym rat friends' devotion to physical fitness as I do about my nerdy friends' devotion to going to Comic Con in costume." Ha. With more than a little truth, I joke about my triathlon phase being my healthy midlife crisis. Nowadays, I do love my daily exercise but 90 mins at 5:30...they will burn out. Believe me. Great writing and you captured this dialogue perfectly.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I love your description of your triathalon phase! Exercise is great and I don't begrudge exercise fanatics anything. Just, please, please, please: respect my current laziness!
DeleteI was eating dinner with my now mostly grown daughters when the subject of delay tactics and "maybe" and "we'll see" came up. They laughed and said they always knew those words meant "No". I am sure your friends knew that maybe meant no, so really, you weren't lying.
ReplyDeleteI hope they heard what I said as a "no." Dear God, please let that be true!
DeleteA most excellent idea, bringing Oscar into the whole parenting equation, which is never easy to begin with...it's....brilliant! (-:
ReplyDeleteOscar Wilde is, as kids these days are saying, "the bees knees." :)
DeleteI love the truth-telling lesson for your daughter and dodging it with the parents. Your humor drew me in. I could have read a much longer piece because of it. Well done. I personally know 2 women who get out there at 5:30 a.m. for the booty boot camp. They both complain about their injury of the week. Yes, they are thin and toned, but at what cost, I ask myself. No thank you. It's not for everyone. I thoroughly enjoyed this. So "truthful."
ReplyDeleteLength is actually what I struggle with most. I am one verbose mo' fo'. Yeah Write's word count requirement is like a blogging mini-Lent for me. Beneficial. But tough.
DeleteYou're so right about the injury du jour thing. It's like, "I'm really sorry you're hurt. Blasting your calves sounds rough. Can we talk about something else for a little now maybe?"
I refuse to take any potential sleep time away for almost anything. If mama doesn't sleep, the whole day stinks. If I was exercising at 5:30 am instead of sleeping, my whole family would suffer, so clearly NOT participating is beneficial to everyone I know.
ReplyDeleteAnd the Oscar Wilde quote is fab!
I am so with you on the sleep thing. Overtired me = pain for all involved. Even "cut delts" could not compensate for that can of misery.
DeleteYou had me at the Oscar Wilde quote, sister! :) Loved the tie-in at the end.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, what is up with workout fanatics trying to shove their routines down other people's throats? So obnoxious and truly insulting when they keep pushing it -- as if you *need* it. How are your exercise habits anyone else's business but your own?
Sorry for the rant, but this is a pet peeve of mine.
Yay Oscar Wilde!
DeleteI hear you on the workout prothelisizing. It's a pet peeve of mine too. That and people who think if they yell at me more I'll be vegan.
Ha! Good on you for not pushing them, though that might have been a more sure-fire way to avoid booty camp with them for all time. And, seriously, booty camp? C'mon! Exercising 4 times a week - even lazy-like - is *awesome*! I'm happy for the weeks when I get in 3 runs. (This whole "Let's add Pilates" experiment can be laughed at later).
ReplyDeleteI almost just said "Booty camp, my ass!" without a trace of irony. This is not a good day for commenting.
Loved this post. Laughed out loud!
"Booty boot camp" is quite the name, isn't it? My first impulse was actually to be like, "Booty boot camp. Really. Really? That's a terrible name. And not, like, SO terrible that I'm going to try it just because it has a such a hilariously terrible name. It's just regular terrible. Clearly I will find people who think Dane Cook is funny there. So, no. Just. No."
Deleteeh. do as I say not as I do, little girl. isn't THAT the lesson we want to teach? Or did I read that section of the parenting book wrong? hmm.
ReplyDeletepushing exercise like that would be construed as harassment if they were trying to get you to join their cult. I mean church. Imagine if you all were standing there and someone said, "no, really, it's a GREAT Mass and you should all come, it's great, let's go. really. let's go. NOW."
see? you're totally justified in white lying: "I've been saved, thanks, so I'm good."
You totally read that parenting book right! ;-P
DeleteAnd that is the *perfect* analogy. I tell door to door Scientologists that I'm a devout Catholic all the time and then they run away. I need to find a similar line that works for exercise-tologists.
Haha, loved this! If other people want to volunteer for less sleep that's their thing, but don't try to get me in on it!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you: sleep is KEY. I shouldn't be a morning person in the same way the Hulk shouldn't get angry.
DeleteOh, I just loved this post! I happen to exercise a lot and a class that requires trash cans for throw up does not sound appealing to me. Nor does a 5:30 am class! I would be willing to bet that almost all of those women either don't want to try the class or they try it once and decide they hate it. I'm also of the opinion that sometimes it's better to tell just a little lie than be blatantly rude. (Not that saying you didn't want to go would have been rude... just awkward, right?)
ReplyDeleteYay! Thanks! And I *totally* was just trying to avoid awkwardness with a leeeetle white lie.
DeleteNothing involving barf or early wake ups sounds appealing to me (except for kids and if there were a way to get around those aspects of parenting I would be *on that*).
Haha, yes! Yet another parenting moment that I'm pretty sure we can all relate to.
ReplyDeleteKind of. I don't know anyone who would even attempt to make me take a 5:30am class on anything. Unless it's a class on sleeping. But that's it!
I would be very interested in this sleeping class of which you speak... :)
DeleteI'm not sure you were correct when you said my post was better written than yours - yours comes full circle in a way mine fails to achieve. This was so well crafted, setting a scene and capturing believable dialogue. Pitch perfect. Ah, the questioning we do of ourselves as parents...
ReplyDeleteHa ha! I love this! My husband does P90X every day and I say F that! I sit and read and call it - exercising my mind. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood lord, this was good. You are awesome! I think we both live in the PNW, yes? Well then, since you know I just gave up running, let's get together, eat muffins and complain about our muffin tops and skinny bitches, m'kay?
ReplyDeleteIt's good to always tell the truth, though there's nothing wrong with stretching it now and then.
ReplyDeleteSo, this would be a bad time to tell you how awesome CrossFit is? .....KIDDING!
ReplyDeleteI try so, so hard not to be that person and you are welcome to kick me if I ever am! I love the way you parent, the way you worded your respect of others' insanity while respecting your own wishes, and the way you wrote this. Bravo, Larks!
OK, that just sounds horrible. Really. I don't blame you for not wanting to go. What would the women do if you just said no? I recently learned to embrace and love NO and it works wonders!
ReplyDelete