Text conversations I have with my husband. (No husbands were harmed in the creation of this post.)

Me: When you get home our kid is all yours. HOURS AND HOURS OF QUALITY ONE ON ONE TIME. OR ELSE. On an unrelated note I know where you sleep and have access to your knife collection.

Him: Why are women so complicated? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO? Jesus. I'm not psychic. I'm going to show this to a female co-worker so she can interpret your Lifetime-speak.

Me: By that you mean you'll bring home beer, right?

Him: Yes. See? At least I can communicate clearly.